What do you do when you are faced with a loss that changes your life forever? Whether it be a death, end of a marriage, job loss, health issues, destruction of home, or an event that rips apart your family? All you’ve believed in is gone. There are many feelings that go along with this: sadness, anger, fear, shock, hopelessness, grief and depression. You may be at a loss what to do next—frozen in fear or anger. The change forced upon you is not welcomed. Instead it shakes up your world, nothing is the same from that moment. People you have depended on may disappear or some one new is suddenly there for you. We all face this in our lives. It seems cruel and we think we’ll never get through it. We question everything. We ask why but get no real answers. At this point we can give up or go on. It becomes a time to pull back and reassess our lives whether we like it or not.
I’ve been there more than once, but recently an event knocked me down so hard…nothing was the same. There has been no positive resolution. What had held me up for years—disappeared. Yet, I am not alone, I have my husband by my side, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, my words to express myself and a life ahead of me. Gone, is the past where caretaking, raising kids and always being there for everyone else filled my hours. During these times, I forgot about myself. This event opened my eyes to that. Some days, I see that in a very clear understanding, other days I’m flooded in pain and tears. It’s those darker days that I question each word said and every perspective of the same event. I grieve the victims of cruelty and pride while the truth goes un-honored. I’ve also uncovered years of anger repressed deep inside me and found doubt in my beliefs.
It’s been a dark journey back to my faith with the victims just out of my reach. In this sorrow I’ve found that glimmer of light again inside me. I’m gently reminded of who I am and what life can still be. I’m searching for the message and lesson. My past intact, my happy memories cannot be taken from me.
Now, I’m spending my time trying to release my sadness and pain so there is room for love and joy again. I sit in nature connecting to the higher power and found myself back in Church. I’m going forward knowing it will all be different in the future. Change comes hard and lessons come even harder, but my journey goes on with a hard nudge into my new direction. Pushed from my safe place I walk with faith into the unknown. I had to let go of what I thought should be and embrace what is.
Here now, I take a deep breath and move into the unfamiliar knowing somehow it will be okay. Because like the seasons going on around me, inside of me I’m leaving the cold dark winter behind and stepping into spring’s regrowth. My soul is healing and growing into its new direction. Through the pain I have found my spiritual path again and I am reminded of all the miracles.
Upcoming blogs will include more book reviews and debuting some of my new poetry– perhaps one written in the blue journal on a Harley ride!
There will be a special edition blog Wednesday. Check it out!
Embrace your inner child by reading an amazing indie book! D.L. Finn